Anxiety

When The Virginia Quarterly Review and the New York Times Sunday Magazine published excerpts of my book in December, I was thrilled. I am a huge fan of both magazines, so I knew it would be exciting to see my work on their pages.

What I did not expect was to feel naked. I had not really thought about it before, but events in my life – moments that up until then I had hardly shared with a soul – were suddenly out there in print.

As a doctor, I have always tried to be open with my patients. As a writer, I have tried to be the same way. I want to be as honest as possible because I believe that is how writers should relate to their readers, just as I believe doctors should do the same with their patients.

The difference is that a writer is alone much of the time. And because of that solitude, I sometimes forgot that people I did not know would one day know parts of my life more intimately than my closest friends.

So, in December, when excerpts of my book were suddenly out there, I got kind of anxious. I had put my heart into Final Exam and there it was. On those pages. For all to read.

But I have lost that anxiety recently. This past week, people I have met through this blog and on the radio have been as open with their stories as I have been with any of my writing. They have shared their own experiences, some of them painfully difficult. And their willingness to do so has left me speechless.

Tomorrow I begin my discussion/reading events. I speak at Hevesi Jewish Heritage Library in Queens, NY at 1:00 p.m. and at Borders at 576 2nd Avenue in Manhattan at 7:00 p.m.

I go to Washington D.C. on Wednesday (1/17) and will speak at Politics & Prose at 7:00 p.m. Philadelphia follows on Thursday (1/18) with a reading at UPenn Bookstore at 7 p.m.

I am no longer anxious about having put my heart out there for all to read. The people I have met recently have changed that.

Instead, now I hope I will have the opportunity to thank you in person for inspiring me.

Comments

[jen steig]

Hi Pauline,

Congratulations to you!!! I am so excited ... and saw the review of your book in the New York Times. I hope you remember me. I was Dan's roommate in Chicago (1988-1989)... and I am so thrilled to see the success you have achieved. I would have tried to attend one of your book signings (I work in NYC) but the timing does not work for me today. Again, I am thrilled to see such a sweet and smart person achieve what you have achieved.
Keep in touch!

Jen S.

[James Othmer]

Hi Pauline:

I loved your essay in the last VQR so much that I bought your book, which is so smart and filled with intelligent humanity. Just got another copy for my neice, an undergrad who wants to go to medical school. By the way, in 2004 the VQR published an excerpt of my first novel The Futurist, and things have not been the same (in a good way) since. Congratulations again and best wishes with all of your careers.

James Othmer

[Aamir]

Hello Dr. Chen,

I came across your book at the local bookstore and, though I didn't buy it (I have a USMLE Step 3 exam in a few days), I look forward to reading it.

I had some questions that I was hoping you could answer: for someone so comprehensively trained in surgical practice, how long did it take for you to develop a "writer's voice" or a writing style that articulated your own sensibilities towards your subject? And what was the process by which you achieved that?

Thanks!

[Michael Melcher]

Pauline,

You are a big stud! I'm so proud to have known you when you were just a wee yet imposing freshman in college.

I've ordered your book on amazon (to boost those crucial rankings) and am waiting with baited breath.

xoxoxo

Michael

[Mary Ann Smith]

DEar Pauline. Soon I shall write the letter I've been thinking about for months now. When reading FINAL EXAM other images of death and doctors came to consciousness and it's been amazing. I now have 2 other copies to give to physician friends. And here's hoping that you will have time & enregy to come to Nebraska for a reading - stores in Lincoln & Omaha. So many people should read your vivid and touching accounts of life - and death. More later. Mary Ann